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corpus_invictusTitle: Take Refuge in What You Know, Chapter 34
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Spock/Kirk, hints of others
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Written for the Star Trek XI Kink Meme prompt found here: "AU - Kirk has moved into a apartment/house and wants to get to know his neighbors. He meets his neighbor Spock, a loner who suffers from extreme agoraphobia. Kirk thinks he's beautiful enigma."
Chapter Notes: This is the last full chapter of the story. I have an epilogue planned and then we'll be finished. Many thanks to everyone for their feedback and appreciation.
The Gaila incident was as close as Spock had gotten to a panic attack in weeks. He returned to Jim's apartment and nearly collapsed in front of his favorite window, visibly shaking as he tried to arrange himself into his usual meditation pose.
Jim approached him carefully. He had learned weeks ago that his previous notion of Spock's meditating had been affected by his instability: that the closed eyes and focused face were signs of Spock struggling for calm. Now that he was exerting more and more control over himself, his meditation habits had changed. Sometimes he welcomed Jim's presence; sometimes he recoiled from it. Sometimes Jim could work quietly around the apartment without disturbing him, and sometimes he needed absolute silence. He was never sure which version of meditation Spock was engaging in until he tried to touch him or join him.
Spock surprised him a little by reaching out a hand in invitation, apparently needing the company this time. Jim toed off his shoes by the door and took Spock's hand, settling in next to him. "I'm impressed," he said quietly, stroking his fingers over Spock's trembling ones. "Gaila's enough to drive the sanest of men into fits."
"Her personality can be... somewhat overwhelming," Spock allowed, his shakes easing as Jim kept up the gentle hand massage. "However, I found her chosen topic quite fascinating."
Which was probably the only reason why he'd been able to keep himself together; Spock's innate curiosity was saving him from his episodes more often than any other coping technique. "The part about aliens interacting with each other, or the part about wanting you back at the Academy?"
"Both." His hand slowly relaxed in Jim's grip, his body language easing to more of a comfortable sprawl (well, as much as a Vulcan could sprawl, anyway) than a meditative stance. "The first time I enrolled at the Academy, I was there with Stonn. We had several of our prerequisite courses together. We lived in the same apartment. We took meals together whenever possible. We did not socialize outside that extremely limited sphere. I was therefore unaware of how the other non-humans interacted with each other."
"You didn't make any new friends on Earth?" Jim couldn't fathom that. He understood that they were Vulcan and that Spock had been much more rigid in his controls during that time, but he still couldn't imagine going to a new planet and then refusing to interact with its people.
"We were not opposed to the idea at first. However, once it became apparent that I was being influenced by human emotionalism, we came to the mutual decision that it was best to keep our social circle restricted as much as possible to the two of us." As he spoke he began leaning more and more against Jim until they were curled together in front of the window, fingers tangled together in Jim's lap.
Jim took the opportunity, as long as Spock was looking so relaxed, to raise a question he'd been pondering for weeks. "You mentioned something in one of the audio logs you sent me. It was some kind of question about the human expression of emotion versus Vulcan control and how you were going to be able to... I dunno, balance, the two?"
Spock just raised an eyebrow, apparently sensing that Jim hadn't yet asked the question he really wanted to.
Jim couldn't help smiling at the familiar gesture, bringing Spock's hand to his lips to kiss it fondly before he continued. "You restricted your interactions with humans when you got here. Your Vulcan mate took off because he couldn't handle what can happen to you if you get too overwhelmed by human emotions. So... what do you think about that now? Are you going to be able to make friends without all this happening again? Can you stay with a human and still keep yourself together?" He worked to keep his tone light and inquisitive. He knew the question could sound needy and insecure, especially after admitting to being on Tarsus IV and how it had affected him. He wasn't questioning the relationship, wasn't questioning Spock's devotion to him. He was questioning the path Spock had chosen and whether or not it would be good for him in the long-run.
Spock seemed to understand that, because rather than waste time reassuring Jim of his dedication to the bond developing between them, he went silent for a few minutes to consider his answer. "My mother suggested finding some way to allow myself to experience emotions while simultaneously tempering them with Vulcan disciplines. At the time I could not fathom how this could be possible. However, I think I see her logic in a new light now that I have spent more time in the company of humans - and with one human in particular and at great length." He looked out the window, suddenly shy of looking Jim in the eyes. "She is bonded for life to a Vulcan. She, like you, has no innate telepathic ability of her own. She is also an extremely emotional creature, also similar to yourself. I do not believe she would have entered into such a bond were she not totally convinced of my father's regard for her. His affection for her," he corrected himself, and his tone suggested that the correction was difficult to make, laden as it was with the rampant emotionalism Vulcans tried so hard to avoid or suppress. "She has seen firsthand through her link with my father the ability to balance that kind of emotion with the control necessary to keep a Vulcan functioning normally.
He stopped there, either waiting for a response from Jim or unable to think of anything further to say. Jim tried to work his way through all the Spock-speak, translating it to something he found more understandable. "So you think your dad manages that kind of balance because he's linked to your mom?"
"I do not. My father, as a full-blooded Vulcan, would find such a balance easy to maintain whether he were bonded to a human or not."
Jim felt himself floundering, his inner Spock translator failing him. "I'm not sure what you're getting at."
Spock's expression changed to one Jim recognized all too well; it was the one that indicated he was gathering himself for a difficult endeavor. "My father has never had to wage war upon himself in order to achieve emotional balance. As a full Vulcan, such control has always been second-nature to him. It has always been more difficult for me; ever since I was a child, the masters and elders involved in both my educational and spiritual growth remarked on my inability to leash my emotions to the same degree as my peers. It was my mother, with her knowledge of the workings of the human brain as well as the Vulcan brain, who understood my dilemma when I did not understand it myself. I believe I finally understand what she was trying to tell me when my controls first began to falter."
Jim was trying his best to work his way through the long-winded explanation, but his inner translator continued to fail him. "What was she trying to tell you?"
Spock let go of his hand and turned to face him fully, trailing his fingers along Jim's neck, across the line of his jaw, settling against his temple. "She told me to embrace my human side as much as possible within the confines of Vulcan disciplines. She wished for me to find an outlet for those feelings." He put just the slightest amount of pressure into the touch, opening a faint link between them. "You, Jim, function as an outlet for those feelings. I am able to express myself - my fear, my joy, my sorrow, and my..." He took a deep breath, gathering himself again. ""My love. I can share all of this with you without fear of judgment. With an outlet for my human side, I am better able to balance it with my Vulcan side."
Jim's heart was stuck somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. He swallowed, feeling his own emotions surging within him while simultaneously experiencing the faintest touch of Spock's. He felt the deep, abiding sincerity in his tone, and it left him speechless at first. "Then... then you think you can do this. That you can stay with me."
"No." And before Jim's confusion could make a sharp turn to disappointment, Spock leaned forward to press an all-too-human kiss against Jim's mouth. "For the first time in a very, very long time, I know I can."
Hope bloomed in Jim's chest, and he could not tell which of them was its source. He also didn't care; that it was present at all was enough.
*******
"Jim. It is most difficult to concentrate on my work when you are doing that."
"I can't help it." Jim was standing behind Spock's desk chair, running his fingers through the thick, silky mass of hair. "It's so different from when it was long. Gaila cut all the curl out of it."
"Vulcan hair does not curl," Spock informed him imperiously.
"Maybe not, but half-Vulcan hair does a fair job of curling around those pointy ears," Jim shot back, tweaking one of them playfully to make his point.
"You are confusing the curl with an unfortunate lack of grooming during the worst of my anxiety."
"Yeah, no, I'm not. I saw it after you combed it and it totally curled." Jim knew he was winning the argument by the way Spock's ears were flushing a faint sage green color. "Anyway, I still kind of miss the curls, but this? This is way too much fun to leave alone."
"As you have demonstrated most eagerly over the past seven point three nine days."
"I haven't heard you complaining about all the attention you've been getting."
"I did not claim that it was not enjoyable. I am simply stating that it is distracting when I am attempting to finish this."
"What are you up to, anyway?" Jim asked, distracted from the discussion by a familiar looking display on the computer console.
Spock's ears turned just a shade greener and his shoulders tensed. "I am attempting to ascertain the number of credits I must complete in order to finish my training at the Academy."
Jim tried very, very hard not to jump up and down in excitement, especially given the palpable tension of Spock's body. He moved his hands from Spock's hair to the back of his neck, rubbing there soothingly. "How many do you have left?"
"I had twelve credits left to complete when I dis-enrolled. I have accrued an additional nine unfinished credits during my absence due to the obsolescence of some of the computer courses as well as the stellar cartography courses."
"Yeah, because a bunch of new planets have been discovered since you left," Jim agreed, keeping his tone calm. "Still, that's only about two semesters' worth of classes. One if you rush it."
"I will also be required to finish three different simulations."
Ah, so that was what had Spock so concerned. Jim scanned the screen, digging his thumbs into the nape of Spock's neck and feeling him start to melt at the attention. "The astro-navigational one is easy. It's just trying to make your way through a meteor shower or around a planet with an abnormal gravitational field. You'd ace it easily. The landing party sim is pretty easy, too; basically they just make sure we're not going to do something stupid like poke at local flora and fauna without scanning it first. The Dauntless is a little tougher, but I managed it okay. Besides, I took it as a command track student and it's supposed to be way harder for us than anyone on the science or engineering tracks."
There was silence between them for a few moments while Jim continued the slow massage. "I had my first episode during the astro-navigational simulation," Spock said quietly.
Jim kissed the top of his head. "When was the last time you had an attack?"
"Four point zero five weeks ago, when the doctor first attempted to persuade me to try mentisinil."
"See? I'm thinking that might have been your last one. Maybe ever. You know how your brain works during the attacks now and you know how to block it from the sensory overload. You should do just fine."
Spock nodded distantly, his eyes starting to drift closed. "I have not yet submitted the paperwork for my re-enrollment. I am simply researching the possibilities."
"I know. No pressure," Jim murmured into his hair. "I can stagger my credits a little bit if I have to. Can't spread them out over any more than three semesters, but that still gives us plenty of time."
"Indeed." Spock raised a hand to switch off the console, apparently finished thinking about the Academy for now. He tilted his head back to get a better view of Jim's face, one eyebrow raised over the other. "It was my impression that you would be unavailable today."
Jim gave him a strange look. "Since when do I make myself unavailable where you're concerned?"
"Today is the ninth, is it not?"
He glanced over his shoulder at the chronometer. "Sure is. Why?"
"July ninth is Joanna's birthday."
He couldn't help the fond smile spreading over his face. Spock had a soft spot a mile wide for the little girl. "I know. But Bones never got back to me about her birthday party past dragging me out to buy pink plastic cups and forks and hats and God knows what else; I kind of tuned out once we had to throw pink frosting in the basket."
"Perhaps you should contact him to ensure that your presence is not required. I would not want Joanna to be disappointed if she expected you to be there."
Jim chuckled, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "You are so lost where she's concerned. You're going to be Uncle Spock before you know it if you keep coddling her. I know because I speak from experience."
"I do not, as you say, 'coddle' the child. I simply enjoy her presence. She is curious and inquisitive, both of which are qualities to be praised on Vulcan."
"Doesn't hurt that she's also cute as all get-out."
"That is another human phrase that makes little sense. Likening her aesthetic qualities to-"
Jim was saved from another 'those darn illogical humans' lecture by the beeping of his comm unit. "I bet that's Bones now," he interrupted Spock, loping off to the kitchen to check.
"You better show me a little gratitude when you get here," McCoy greeted him over the viewscreen, mouth set in what looked to be a permanent scowl.
"Nice to see you too, Bones. What am I supposed to be grateful for?"
"All the other kids have cleared out. I didn't comm you and make you show up for the pinata, the clown, the crying caused by the clown, or the part where we had to hose them off after they decided the best use for all that ungodly pink frosting was to smear it all over each others' faces."
"Did you seriously hose them off? Like, literally?"
"Hell no, Jim; what kind of father do you think I am? We got out the wipes and scrubbed them all clean. It's just that the hose would've been easier."
"I bet."
"Anyway, the party's all cleared out by now and Joss took off to have a drink with her friends, not that I blame her. I've got Jo for the weekend and she's still all hyped up on sugar so we're at the park just outside Academy grounds." He paused there, checking over his shoulder presumably to make sure Joanna was out of hearing range. He faced Jim on the viewscreen again. "Is Spock there?"
Jim gestured toward the living room. "He's out there working on the computer. I'm pretty sure he can hear the entire conversation."
"You are correct," came a quiet murmur from the desk.
"She'd love to see you."
"Sure, Bones, I'll go get shoes on and-"
"No. I mean both of you. Of course she'd like to see you, Jim, but it would make her whole day if you could get Spock down here, too."
He glanced into the living room where Spock had once again tensed up in his computer chair. "We'll talk about it. However it works out, either one or both of us will be there in a few minutes."
"Sounds good." And the viewscreen fizzled out as McCoy disconnected from his end.
Jim approached the desk again, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Spock, watching him stare at the blank console screen. "You don't have to, you know," he offered, reaching out and resting a hand over Spock's. "Joanna certainly doesn't expect you there. Hell, neither does Bones. It's just a suggestion."
Spock nodded, his gaze still fixed on the console, shoulders still tense. Jim wondered if he was settling his brain into the same patterns it followed on the mentisinil, using its effects to keep himself from locking up in a panic attack. He was silent for a long time before he finally moved, his fingers twitching faintly under Jim's. "Her friends are no longer with her," he said, although Jim could hear the question in the statement.
"Nope. They all went home. Joss left, too. It's just Bones and Joanna right now. And it's getting pretty late; I doubt there's any other kids at the park right now." He trailed his fingers over Spock's hand. "You don't have to go," he repeated.
"I..." Spock shook himself from his trance, although the tension remained in his shoulders and back. He turned in his chair, facing Jim with an unreadable expression on his face. "I would... I would like to try," he finally managed to say. "I will return here if the attempt is too taxing."
Jim's heart began racing, excited and anxious on Spock's behalf. He rose from his chair, offering his hands to Spock. "Come on, then," he said quietly. "Let's go."
Spock rose as well, eying his console one last time before turning towards Jim. He took the offered hands, allowing himself to be drawn toward the door. He let go of them just long enough to don a light jacket while Jim put on his shoes.
He remained calm as they closed the door behind them. He remained calm as they made their way down the stairs. He remained calm as Jim opened the door and led the way out.
Spock stared at him through the building's open front door. He took in the doorframe, the front steps, the large willow tree planted next to them. He took in Jim's face, Jim's body, Jim's hand holding onto his as he waited for Spock to decide what to do next.
He took in the open sky, the fading purples and pinks of the recent sunset against the clouds. He took in the warm summer breeze rustling through the willow leaves. He took in a world he hadn't seen in over a year. Visibly gathering his courage, he squeezed Jim's hand in his own.
And took his first step outside the building.
Jim's smile lit up the evening sky.
To the Epilogue
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Spock/Kirk, hints of others
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Written for the Star Trek XI Kink Meme prompt found here: "AU - Kirk has moved into a apartment/house and wants to get to know his neighbors. He meets his neighbor Spock, a loner who suffers from extreme agoraphobia. Kirk thinks he's beautiful enigma."
Chapter Notes: This is the last full chapter of the story. I have an epilogue planned and then we'll be finished. Many thanks to everyone for their feedback and appreciation.
The Gaila incident was as close as Spock had gotten to a panic attack in weeks. He returned to Jim's apartment and nearly collapsed in front of his favorite window, visibly shaking as he tried to arrange himself into his usual meditation pose.
Jim approached him carefully. He had learned weeks ago that his previous notion of Spock's meditating had been affected by his instability: that the closed eyes and focused face were signs of Spock struggling for calm. Now that he was exerting more and more control over himself, his meditation habits had changed. Sometimes he welcomed Jim's presence; sometimes he recoiled from it. Sometimes Jim could work quietly around the apartment without disturbing him, and sometimes he needed absolute silence. He was never sure which version of meditation Spock was engaging in until he tried to touch him or join him.
Spock surprised him a little by reaching out a hand in invitation, apparently needing the company this time. Jim toed off his shoes by the door and took Spock's hand, settling in next to him. "I'm impressed," he said quietly, stroking his fingers over Spock's trembling ones. "Gaila's enough to drive the sanest of men into fits."
"Her personality can be... somewhat overwhelming," Spock allowed, his shakes easing as Jim kept up the gentle hand massage. "However, I found her chosen topic quite fascinating."
Which was probably the only reason why he'd been able to keep himself together; Spock's innate curiosity was saving him from his episodes more often than any other coping technique. "The part about aliens interacting with each other, or the part about wanting you back at the Academy?"
"Both." His hand slowly relaxed in Jim's grip, his body language easing to more of a comfortable sprawl (well, as much as a Vulcan could sprawl, anyway) than a meditative stance. "The first time I enrolled at the Academy, I was there with Stonn. We had several of our prerequisite courses together. We lived in the same apartment. We took meals together whenever possible. We did not socialize outside that extremely limited sphere. I was therefore unaware of how the other non-humans interacted with each other."
"You didn't make any new friends on Earth?" Jim couldn't fathom that. He understood that they were Vulcan and that Spock had been much more rigid in his controls during that time, but he still couldn't imagine going to a new planet and then refusing to interact with its people.
"We were not opposed to the idea at first. However, once it became apparent that I was being influenced by human emotionalism, we came to the mutual decision that it was best to keep our social circle restricted as much as possible to the two of us." As he spoke he began leaning more and more against Jim until they were curled together in front of the window, fingers tangled together in Jim's lap.
Jim took the opportunity, as long as Spock was looking so relaxed, to raise a question he'd been pondering for weeks. "You mentioned something in one of the audio logs you sent me. It was some kind of question about the human expression of emotion versus Vulcan control and how you were going to be able to... I dunno, balance, the two?"
Spock just raised an eyebrow, apparently sensing that Jim hadn't yet asked the question he really wanted to.
Jim couldn't help smiling at the familiar gesture, bringing Spock's hand to his lips to kiss it fondly before he continued. "You restricted your interactions with humans when you got here. Your Vulcan mate took off because he couldn't handle what can happen to you if you get too overwhelmed by human emotions. So... what do you think about that now? Are you going to be able to make friends without all this happening again? Can you stay with a human and still keep yourself together?" He worked to keep his tone light and inquisitive. He knew the question could sound needy and insecure, especially after admitting to being on Tarsus IV and how it had affected him. He wasn't questioning the relationship, wasn't questioning Spock's devotion to him. He was questioning the path Spock had chosen and whether or not it would be good for him in the long-run.
Spock seemed to understand that, because rather than waste time reassuring Jim of his dedication to the bond developing between them, he went silent for a few minutes to consider his answer. "My mother suggested finding some way to allow myself to experience emotions while simultaneously tempering them with Vulcan disciplines. At the time I could not fathom how this could be possible. However, I think I see her logic in a new light now that I have spent more time in the company of humans - and with one human in particular and at great length." He looked out the window, suddenly shy of looking Jim in the eyes. "She is bonded for life to a Vulcan. She, like you, has no innate telepathic ability of her own. She is also an extremely emotional creature, also similar to yourself. I do not believe she would have entered into such a bond were she not totally convinced of my father's regard for her. His affection for her," he corrected himself, and his tone suggested that the correction was difficult to make, laden as it was with the rampant emotionalism Vulcans tried so hard to avoid or suppress. "She has seen firsthand through her link with my father the ability to balance that kind of emotion with the control necessary to keep a Vulcan functioning normally.
He stopped there, either waiting for a response from Jim or unable to think of anything further to say. Jim tried to work his way through all the Spock-speak, translating it to something he found more understandable. "So you think your dad manages that kind of balance because he's linked to your mom?"
"I do not. My father, as a full-blooded Vulcan, would find such a balance easy to maintain whether he were bonded to a human or not."
Jim felt himself floundering, his inner Spock translator failing him. "I'm not sure what you're getting at."
Spock's expression changed to one Jim recognized all too well; it was the one that indicated he was gathering himself for a difficult endeavor. "My father has never had to wage war upon himself in order to achieve emotional balance. As a full Vulcan, such control has always been second-nature to him. It has always been more difficult for me; ever since I was a child, the masters and elders involved in both my educational and spiritual growth remarked on my inability to leash my emotions to the same degree as my peers. It was my mother, with her knowledge of the workings of the human brain as well as the Vulcan brain, who understood my dilemma when I did not understand it myself. I believe I finally understand what she was trying to tell me when my controls first began to falter."
Jim was trying his best to work his way through the long-winded explanation, but his inner translator continued to fail him. "What was she trying to tell you?"
Spock let go of his hand and turned to face him fully, trailing his fingers along Jim's neck, across the line of his jaw, settling against his temple. "She told me to embrace my human side as much as possible within the confines of Vulcan disciplines. She wished for me to find an outlet for those feelings." He put just the slightest amount of pressure into the touch, opening a faint link between them. "You, Jim, function as an outlet for those feelings. I am able to express myself - my fear, my joy, my sorrow, and my..." He took a deep breath, gathering himself again. ""My love. I can share all of this with you without fear of judgment. With an outlet for my human side, I am better able to balance it with my Vulcan side."
Jim's heart was stuck somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. He swallowed, feeling his own emotions surging within him while simultaneously experiencing the faintest touch of Spock's. He felt the deep, abiding sincerity in his tone, and it left him speechless at first. "Then... then you think you can do this. That you can stay with me."
"No." And before Jim's confusion could make a sharp turn to disappointment, Spock leaned forward to press an all-too-human kiss against Jim's mouth. "For the first time in a very, very long time, I know I can."
Hope bloomed in Jim's chest, and he could not tell which of them was its source. He also didn't care; that it was present at all was enough.
"Jim. It is most difficult to concentrate on my work when you are doing that."
"I can't help it." Jim was standing behind Spock's desk chair, running his fingers through the thick, silky mass of hair. "It's so different from when it was long. Gaila cut all the curl out of it."
"Vulcan hair does not curl," Spock informed him imperiously.
"Maybe not, but half-Vulcan hair does a fair job of curling around those pointy ears," Jim shot back, tweaking one of them playfully to make his point.
"You are confusing the curl with an unfortunate lack of grooming during the worst of my anxiety."
"Yeah, no, I'm not. I saw it after you combed it and it totally curled." Jim knew he was winning the argument by the way Spock's ears were flushing a faint sage green color. "Anyway, I still kind of miss the curls, but this? This is way too much fun to leave alone."
"As you have demonstrated most eagerly over the past seven point three nine days."
"I haven't heard you complaining about all the attention you've been getting."
"I did not claim that it was not enjoyable. I am simply stating that it is distracting when I am attempting to finish this."
"What are you up to, anyway?" Jim asked, distracted from the discussion by a familiar looking display on the computer console.
Spock's ears turned just a shade greener and his shoulders tensed. "I am attempting to ascertain the number of credits I must complete in order to finish my training at the Academy."
Jim tried very, very hard not to jump up and down in excitement, especially given the palpable tension of Spock's body. He moved his hands from Spock's hair to the back of his neck, rubbing there soothingly. "How many do you have left?"
"I had twelve credits left to complete when I dis-enrolled. I have accrued an additional nine unfinished credits during my absence due to the obsolescence of some of the computer courses as well as the stellar cartography courses."
"Yeah, because a bunch of new planets have been discovered since you left," Jim agreed, keeping his tone calm. "Still, that's only about two semesters' worth of classes. One if you rush it."
"I will also be required to finish three different simulations."
Ah, so that was what had Spock so concerned. Jim scanned the screen, digging his thumbs into the nape of Spock's neck and feeling him start to melt at the attention. "The astro-navigational one is easy. It's just trying to make your way through a meteor shower or around a planet with an abnormal gravitational field. You'd ace it easily. The landing party sim is pretty easy, too; basically they just make sure we're not going to do something stupid like poke at local flora and fauna without scanning it first. The Dauntless is a little tougher, but I managed it okay. Besides, I took it as a command track student and it's supposed to be way harder for us than anyone on the science or engineering tracks."
There was silence between them for a few moments while Jim continued the slow massage. "I had my first episode during the astro-navigational simulation," Spock said quietly.
Jim kissed the top of his head. "When was the last time you had an attack?"
"Four point zero five weeks ago, when the doctor first attempted to persuade me to try mentisinil."
"See? I'm thinking that might have been your last one. Maybe ever. You know how your brain works during the attacks now and you know how to block it from the sensory overload. You should do just fine."
Spock nodded distantly, his eyes starting to drift closed. "I have not yet submitted the paperwork for my re-enrollment. I am simply researching the possibilities."
"I know. No pressure," Jim murmured into his hair. "I can stagger my credits a little bit if I have to. Can't spread them out over any more than three semesters, but that still gives us plenty of time."
"Indeed." Spock raised a hand to switch off the console, apparently finished thinking about the Academy for now. He tilted his head back to get a better view of Jim's face, one eyebrow raised over the other. "It was my impression that you would be unavailable today."
Jim gave him a strange look. "Since when do I make myself unavailable where you're concerned?"
"Today is the ninth, is it not?"
He glanced over his shoulder at the chronometer. "Sure is. Why?"
"July ninth is Joanna's birthday."
He couldn't help the fond smile spreading over his face. Spock had a soft spot a mile wide for the little girl. "I know. But Bones never got back to me about her birthday party past dragging me out to buy pink plastic cups and forks and hats and God knows what else; I kind of tuned out once we had to throw pink frosting in the basket."
"Perhaps you should contact him to ensure that your presence is not required. I would not want Joanna to be disappointed if she expected you to be there."
Jim chuckled, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "You are so lost where she's concerned. You're going to be Uncle Spock before you know it if you keep coddling her. I know because I speak from experience."
"I do not, as you say, 'coddle' the child. I simply enjoy her presence. She is curious and inquisitive, both of which are qualities to be praised on Vulcan."
"Doesn't hurt that she's also cute as all get-out."
"That is another human phrase that makes little sense. Likening her aesthetic qualities to-"
Jim was saved from another 'those darn illogical humans' lecture by the beeping of his comm unit. "I bet that's Bones now," he interrupted Spock, loping off to the kitchen to check.
"You better show me a little gratitude when you get here," McCoy greeted him over the viewscreen, mouth set in what looked to be a permanent scowl.
"Nice to see you too, Bones. What am I supposed to be grateful for?"
"All the other kids have cleared out. I didn't comm you and make you show up for the pinata, the clown, the crying caused by the clown, or the part where we had to hose them off after they decided the best use for all that ungodly pink frosting was to smear it all over each others' faces."
"Did you seriously hose them off? Like, literally?"
"Hell no, Jim; what kind of father do you think I am? We got out the wipes and scrubbed them all clean. It's just that the hose would've been easier."
"I bet."
"Anyway, the party's all cleared out by now and Joss took off to have a drink with her friends, not that I blame her. I've got Jo for the weekend and she's still all hyped up on sugar so we're at the park just outside Academy grounds." He paused there, checking over his shoulder presumably to make sure Joanna was out of hearing range. He faced Jim on the viewscreen again. "Is Spock there?"
Jim gestured toward the living room. "He's out there working on the computer. I'm pretty sure he can hear the entire conversation."
"You are correct," came a quiet murmur from the desk.
"She'd love to see you."
"Sure, Bones, I'll go get shoes on and-"
"No. I mean both of you. Of course she'd like to see you, Jim, but it would make her whole day if you could get Spock down here, too."
He glanced into the living room where Spock had once again tensed up in his computer chair. "We'll talk about it. However it works out, either one or both of us will be there in a few minutes."
"Sounds good." And the viewscreen fizzled out as McCoy disconnected from his end.
Jim approached the desk again, pulling up a chair and sitting next to Spock, watching him stare at the blank console screen. "You don't have to, you know," he offered, reaching out and resting a hand over Spock's. "Joanna certainly doesn't expect you there. Hell, neither does Bones. It's just a suggestion."
Spock nodded, his gaze still fixed on the console, shoulders still tense. Jim wondered if he was settling his brain into the same patterns it followed on the mentisinil, using its effects to keep himself from locking up in a panic attack. He was silent for a long time before he finally moved, his fingers twitching faintly under Jim's. "Her friends are no longer with her," he said, although Jim could hear the question in the statement.
"Nope. They all went home. Joss left, too. It's just Bones and Joanna right now. And it's getting pretty late; I doubt there's any other kids at the park right now." He trailed his fingers over Spock's hand. "You don't have to go," he repeated.
"I..." Spock shook himself from his trance, although the tension remained in his shoulders and back. He turned in his chair, facing Jim with an unreadable expression on his face. "I would... I would like to try," he finally managed to say. "I will return here if the attempt is too taxing."
Jim's heart began racing, excited and anxious on Spock's behalf. He rose from his chair, offering his hands to Spock. "Come on, then," he said quietly. "Let's go."
Spock rose as well, eying his console one last time before turning towards Jim. He took the offered hands, allowing himself to be drawn toward the door. He let go of them just long enough to don a light jacket while Jim put on his shoes.
He remained calm as they closed the door behind them. He remained calm as they made their way down the stairs. He remained calm as Jim opened the door and led the way out.
Spock stared at him through the building's open front door. He took in the doorframe, the front steps, the large willow tree planted next to them. He took in Jim's face, Jim's body, Jim's hand holding onto his as he waited for Spock to decide what to do next.
He took in the open sky, the fading purples and pinks of the recent sunset against the clouds. He took in the warm summer breeze rustling through the willow leaves. He took in a world he hadn't seen in over a year. Visibly gathering his courage, he squeezed Jim's hand in his own.
And took his first step outside the building.
Jim's smile lit up the evening sky.
To the Epilogue
![[identity profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 08:23 pm (UTC)Ah, I'm so sad this is ending. But I loved this fic so much. And I'm so so happy that Spock could find happiness with Jim, that Jim could find someone to love like he loves Spock. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Blue_jack
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 08:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-13 07:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 08:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 09:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 09:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 09:58 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 10:18 pm (UTC)Second thought: Wow!! Finally Spock reached his goal and stepped into the world again. *touched*
I especially liked the last part till the end. (starting from "He remained calm...") It was like showing snapshots of reality in these seconds in which Spock regains his freedom.
Great work!!!
I'm very looking forward to read the epilogue. I wonder if it will contain the academy days (I really wanted to see Uhura's reaction to Spock ... and to Jim's steady relationship with him XD ) or if it will contain the storyline of Jim as captain.
Anyway, thanks so much for writing this fic so far!
- Soja
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 10:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-28 11:22 pm (UTC)I was excited every time you updated and I loved every chapters and characters. (especially cute Jo!!)
I'm so happy that Spock made it and also sad that the fic ends.
Gosh, I love this sooooo much, I can't believe it ends. I was so into this fic!!!!
I wish there is a sequel in future:P
Thank you >3
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-13 06:44 am (UTC)vcVnvJoOjE
Date: 2011-10-29 02:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 01:17 am (UTC)...Now I'm going to go re-read it all
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 02:32 am (UTC)Also, looking forward to that epilogue!
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 07:28 am (UTC)Such a great chapter! I love how Spock is healing!
Keep up the super excellent work! I'm sad the next chapter is the epilogue... A great story will be finished. But hey, I can always read it again. Plus hopefully I get the satisfaction of a happy ending? :P
*sigh*
Date: 2010-06-29 09:11 am (UTC)I've been devouring everything you've posted over on the K/S Archive, and I'm besotted with your writing style. Thanks so much for sharing!
*sigh*
Date: 2010-06-29 09:12 am (UTC)I've been devouring everything you've posted over on the K/S Archive, and I'm besotted with your writing style. Thanks so much for sharing!
Sandyk199
Re: *sigh*
Date: 2010-07-13 06:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 12:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 03:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 03:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 06:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 09:56 pm (UTC)Of course, I'm sad that this excellent story must end. Finding a new update has been the highlight of my day for quite some time.
-Ellwren
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-29 11:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-30 01:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-30 02:12 am (UTC)Spock said he was in love! *flail* That was such a touching scene between the two of them. The dialogue was really moving in particular.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-30 09:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-01 01:16 am (UTC)I enjoyed how real you made the characters; while Spock was agoraphobic, he was not a cartoon. The layers you sculpted for his character were amazingly shown in the details you constructed. And I adored Joanna and the relationship that developed between her and Spock as she accepted him as he was and I think he needed that. Of course, your Kirk was wonderful. I look forward to the epilogue.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 08:53 pm (UTC)Joanna started this story as nothing more than a plot device to get Jim into Spock's apartment, but she grew into a relationship that Spock really needed. As you said, she likes him for who he is and he needed that. Here, he got it from several sources, but having a kid genuinely like you is one of the more honest friendships you can ever hope to have. Thank you so much for the feedback!
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-02 02:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-06 01:28 am (UTC)But, wait! Epilogue!
iNAyjrlJcLDlqZA
Date: 2011-10-29 09:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-09-10 04:37 am (UTC)"Summer rain" is a phenomenon quite alien to Mediterranean environments, in my experience - it literally never happens, except the most unusual of circumstances - yet is one which you have included in a previous chapter (the one where Spock goes off the Mentisinil and is recovering from the diffusers).
I am, however, not entirely certain that San Francisco shares the exact climate of my home city, and am therefore reluctant to state that you are actually wrong in this assertion of yours. Merely that you may wish to question it.
... Otherwise, seriously, your story rocks. xD That's the only thing that even my nitpicky brain could find wrong with it. I'm only two paragraphs into the next chapter, so now I'm gonna run off and read it, but I swear, whole story = amazing. Really relatable, really gorgeous, and I have a serious thing for ComfortingWithRegardsToMentalIlless!Jim and the like, so it was gorgeous.